Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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