Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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