I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
