how hairy? two words: wookie tits
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
