Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have tasted many bathrooms
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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