you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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