Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
