so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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