The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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