I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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