I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts