my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.