Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
