The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
