This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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