I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The Olympian is in my bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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