Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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