Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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