I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think your dad took our porno
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
