Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
