y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
