Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
