I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
