just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
