She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
