genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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