lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
