I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
