My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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