I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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