Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
