I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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