Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
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He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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