girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
foreskin is a definite game changer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
