So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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