I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
