u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
