I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
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just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
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I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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