Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
