I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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