genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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