"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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