youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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