Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
