Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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