I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
