I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
