Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
