I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
