oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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