Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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