I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
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