Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.