3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am spending my child support on dildos
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is