hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
