just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
