Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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